


I was never good at goodbye

by wildestoftales



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Break Up, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-12
Updated: 2015-02-12
Packaged: 2018-03-11 14:26:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3329564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildestoftales/pseuds/wildestoftales
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Are you breaking up with me? Is this a break up?”</p><p>“Can't really be a break up if we've never been together, can it?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I was never good at goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for my wonderful, amazing, beautiful german tomlinshaw squad member [Karina](http://tomlinsonidiot.tumblr.com/) for her birthday! I'm horribly late and I apologise. Love you! 
> 
> Thank you to my amazing beta [Becky](http://archiveofourown.org/users/alovelytempest). Still in awe that you're helping me with this stuff, you're the greatest!
> 
> There are no warnings for this, I guess. People swear sometimes. Louis feels angsty and Nick is angry, but they do figure their stuff out at the end. Obviously. It's written by me, after all.
> 
> I know nothing about the real people involved in 1D/Radio 1 and this is just fiction. Don't show it to anyone involved or I will cry. The title comes from Yellowcard's "Firewater" because I love Yellowcard. Thank you for your attention.

“Are you breaking up with me? Is this a break up?”

“Can't really be a break up if we've never been together, can it?”

Louis almost takes a step back with the force of Nick's answer.

“What? What's that supposed to mean?” Louis asks, leaning against the closed door. He just needs something to hold him up right now.

“What it's supposed to mean?” Nick asks back. “Are you actually as stupid as you pretend to be, Louis?”

“What are you-” Louis doesn't know where this is coming from. He honestly doesn't, having just come into an empty classroom to see Nick and with the intention of possibly wasting his break between two seminars snogging him. Nick, however, had put an end to this plan quite quickly.

It's scary, almost, Nick's anger. Louis is a person who gets angry easily and explodes in bursts of emotions regularly but he calms down in the same way – easily and quickly. But Nick? He doesn't get angry, doesn't get furious in the same way, usually just laughs any and all causes for anger right off. Louis has never seen Nick truly furious before, not like this, not even when they were nuisances towards each other more than anything else. It seems like Nick's anger comes from somewhere deep inside, like it's been coming for a long time, like Louis has been standing on a beach not even noticing the giant wave building up to drown him.

Louis feels like he might throw up at any moment.

“I'm bloody tired of this. You told me, you assured me, it'd only be for a few days, then I could stop lying to my friends about us, that you only needed to sort some things out, then we could tell people. That was three fucking months ago.”

“But that's-” Louis isn't even sure what he's going to say, how he is going to defend himself, but it doesn't really matter because Nick interrupts him anyway.

“Shut up and let me finish, will you? I kept thinking you'll come around. I know coming out to your friends isn't easy and I know it's scary but – you never even tried! I asked you last week when we'd stop playing this stupid fucking charade and you laughed at me. Like it's a joke to you.”

Nick takes a shaky breath like he's trying to calm himself down. His face is scarily cold and void of emotions.

“And then I thought, okay, it's fine, you just need more time. So I thought I'd help you, make it easier on you, right? Like, trying to make the transition from 'we don't like each other' to 'surprise, we're together' a bit smoother, you know? So I went up to you and your friends earlier – I even pretended to have to talk to Harry. I just wanted to say hi to you. Say hi to my boyfriend, is that too much to bloody ask for? But you didn't even look at me. You just acted like I don't even exist. Felt really good, you know, to be ignored by my own boyfriend. You know what? I'm done with this.”

“You took me by surprise,” Louis tries, his voice high and panicky. He can't have this happening. Nick can't do this to him, he can't. Louis didn't even know that all this was going on in Nick's head, he had no idea at all.

“No, fuck that. I'm done with it. You'll never tell your friends or anyone, will you? I've been through this with straight boys before and I'm not doing it again. Not even for you, I'm not doing it.”

Louis takes a step forward, tries to take Nick's hand but he pulls it away roughly, so he settles for loosely holding onto his arm instead.

“You've got it all wrong, Nick, oh my god. I'm not scared of telling my friends I'm with a guy – like, I've been with guys before. They've met my ex-boyfriend, they know that I'm bi. It's just-”

Nick doesn't let him finish. Again.

“Oh, that's just lovely. Great. So it's just me you're ashamed of?” he says, pulling away completely, fixing Louis with an ice cold stare. “It's just me who's not worth it? What the fuck is wrong with me that you have to be so ashamed of me?”

“Nothing, will you just listen for half a second?” Louis asks, begs, but Nick has already side-stepped Louis and opened the door.

“Go fuck yourself,” Nick spits out and then he leaves.

He leaves.

-

“Boys, there's only one goal tonight,” Louis announces grandly, “getting utterly and completely and extremely wasted!”

Liam laughs at his antics but Zayn and Harry both give him worried looks.

“You alright, mate?” Zayn asks quietly enough for Louis to be able to pretend he hasn't heard it as he grabs Liam's arm and drags him along towards the club.

“Liam, you'll take shots with me, won't you? I demand lots and lots of shots!”

Liam is laughing too hard to answer but that's fine. Louis takes that as a yes anyway.

“And where's Nialler? Niall, where are you, I'll drink you under the table tonight!”

It takes a moment but then Niall's familiar laugh is right next to Louis. 

“I was tying my shoe and you bloody bastards didn't wait,” Niall complains but Louis just puts an arm around his shoulder and grins brightly.

“Did you hear me? I'll drink you right under the table,” he says.

“Ew, Louis, how many did you have already? You smell like a beer factory,” Niall complains, laughing.

Louis lets go of him just to point his finger at him instead. “I'm taking that as a compliment, my friend,” he says, “now hurry up!”

“Why the sudden need to get drunk as quickly as possible?” Harry asks.

“Why do I need a reason to want to spend quality time getting smashed with my favourite people in the world?”

It gets Liam, Niall and Harry laughing and flattered but Zayn doesn't let it go as easily.

“Yeah, but it's not like we never do that. We do that every week. And we live together, we spend all our time together. I'm just wondering.”

Louis falls back a step to throw his arm around Zayn's shoulder this time.

“See, that's the problem, you're wondering, when you should be what? That's right, you should be drunk.”

It earns him an eye roll and a playful shove from Zayn but he does let up on the topic after that although he keeps sending worried looks Louis' way.

Louis can deal with that. It doesn't really matter, either way, because after his first four or five shots within a too small time frame, everyone's faces start to go hazy anyway and it seems like everyone is happy and loose just like Louis is. Or, rather, like Louis desperately needs to be.

-

The next morning Louis wakes up to feeling like something small and furry crawled into his mouth and died there. It's coupled with Nick's voice saying “Go fuck yourself” in his head on repeat and an overwhelmingly strong urge to vomit. He decides he needs priorities and throws the blanket off to go vomit first. Some kind soul has left a bucket next to the sofa – why is he on the sofa and not in his bed, Louis asks himself hazily, as he vomits right into said bucket.

Someone is gently patting his back by the time he's done and Louis slowly raises his head to see who it is. He regrets the movement as it shoots piercing pain through his skull.

“I'm dying,” Louis says matter-of-factly.

“Nah, you're not,” Zayn says and puts a glass of water and what looks like pain killers on the sofa table next to them.

“You're a godsend. An angel. My best and only friend in this dark, unforgiving world,” Louis declares as he makes a grab for them and swallows the pain killers quickly, washing it down with water like a man dying of thirst.

“Bit rude,” Harry says from the doorway.

Louis just groans and crawls back onto the sofa, sprawling out and doing his best not to notice his head's effort to split itself open.

Harry – obviously trying to claim his spot as Louis' best friend back – drops down next to him and starts carding his hand through Louis' hair.

“So, wanna talk about why you felt the need to give it your best shot towards alcohol poisoning last night?” Zayn asks and he sits down on his favourite ratty old arm chair.

Groaning, Louis opens his eyes solely for the purpose of glaring at Zayn.

“No, thank you,” Louis says, “I want to lie here and wait for death's sweet release.”

Niall and Liam make their entrance to the living room, then.

“Oh, you're finally awake! We've been waiting for ages,” Niall says, sitting on the table while Liam takes the floor next to Zayn's armchair.

“Waiting for what?” Louis asks. “Also, why am I on this stupid sofa instead of my lovely soft bed?”

“Because there was no way we were getting you up the stairs. You were absolutely smashed,” Niall replies, laughing.

“Um, but anyway, Lou, we wanted to talk to you,” Liam intervenes about as subtly as a bulldozer.

Louis groans again. “About what? Is this an intervention? Yeah, I drank too much but it was like once. Can we not do this?”

“Bro, we were more wondering why you kept insisting that you're in love with Nick Grimshaw after about your seventh shot,” Liam says and Louis sits up so quickly he almost fears he's going to vomit again for a second.

“Tell me he wasn't there! Was he there?” Louis asks Harry panicky. If he made a fool out of himself in front of Nick right after they broke up, he might have to move countries. He's always wanted to see the US, plus they speak English as well, so that might just be his first choice.

“Uh, no,” Harry says, his hand hanging in the air awkwardly where it has dropped from Louis' hair.

“Oh, okay. Okay,” Louis says, a bit unsure now. All his friends are giving him looks of varying degrees of surprise and astonishment.

“You kept going on about how he doesn't love you back,” Zayn says after a moment.

“And then you spent like ten minutes describing his dick,” Niall adds, pulling a face, “and I guess, uh, we're wondering why you even know what his dick looks like?”

Louis buries his face in his hands. It doesn't really make a difference if he tells his friends the truth now, does it? It's over, anyway. He had fucked it up quite spectacularly and Nick had made it clear he wanted nothing to do with Louis anymore. Yeah, his friends might be a bit disappointed that Louis hadn't told them anything sooner – but he's heartbroken and hungover, surely they’ll cut him some slack.

“I'm ill and you're putting me on the spot,” Louis whines anyway.

“You're not ill, you're hungover, Lou,” Harry says, his eyes big and worried, “and it's just that Grimmy's was weird all day yesterday and he keeps sending me these texts and – like, is that a coincidence?”

“What texts?” Louis asks instead of answering the question, dropping his hands again. Maybe they're angry texts about Louis' behaviour – which, honestly, after now knowing how Nick was feeling Louis could understand. But maybe, just perhaps, Nick is more than angry, maybe he's also a tiny bit heartbroken?

“Just weird texts,” Harry says, shrugging, “like, how he can't talk about it or something. I don't know.”

“Very helpful,” Louis complains.

“It'd be helpful if you told us what's actually going on,” Zayn prompts.

Louis pulls the blanket back towards himself and carefully and slowly arranges it over his lap just to stall for a bit more. At least the pain killers are kicking in and he feels less like he's about to keel over which would really only make this conversation even worse.

“Well,” he says, not sure how to word this at all. He's considered telling them about Nick – of course he has – but he never even thought of the possibility of it being after the relationship with Nick was over. Truthfully, he hadn't even considered the whole 'relationship might end' thing at all.

“Nick broke up with me yesterday.”

Silence answers him. Louis desperately wants to just stare at his knees but he braves looking at his friend's faces instead. They all look surprised, Liam's mouth is even hanging open a bit.

“Broke up with you? As in, you were in a what? A relationship?” Niall is the first to find his voice.

“Yeah? Well, he said like, it was never really a relationship because we haven't told anyone. But it was, that's what it was.”

Of course that's what it was. They spent as much time as possible together and not only having sex – they also bantered and flirted and just generally enjoyed each other's presence. Louis had – has – all the feelings that come with a relationship. Yeah, no one knew about it until now but that doesn't make his feelings less real, does it?

“Oh Lou,” Harry says, pulling Louis into a sideways hug that is more than welcome. “You should see your face.”

Louis is not going to cry. He's just not.

“He's an ass,” he says instead, “always told you that, haven't I, Haz?”

“What happened?” Liam asks, shuffling closer so that he's now sitting by Louis' feet, and puts one hand on Louis' knee.

So Louis tells his friends. How he hadn't seen it coming at all, how he had been stupidly happy and naively thought everything was fine, that Nick was happy as well. How he had obviously been wrong.

They're great, no one even asks why he hadn't told them about the relationship in the first place, although Louis suspect that question might come a bit later on when he's not so obviously upset and heartbroken.

“Wow, you really like him,” Liam says at some point. Louis can't tell where exactly he is for sure since they have all relocated into a big pile of cuddly boys on the floor. It feels good. Soothing.

“Yeah. Beats me why. Think I'm actually proper in love with him,” Louis admits.

“Bet you can fix this,” Niall says, optimistic as ever, “I mean, you've told us now, right? So he can tell all his friends, too, and you guys can get back together and be gross and in love all over the place.”

-

Sadly, it's not that easy. Louis spends the rest of the weekend wallowing in alternatively either self-pity or self-hate for being such a blind and insensitive idiot. He's considered sending Nick multiple texts but Zayn had taken his phone away from him until he was a bit more 'stable' as he said. It's okay, though, because his boys indulge him in all his cuddling and coddling needs. Louis still feels like a piece of shit come Monday but at least he feels like a piece of shit with the best friends in the world, so there's that.

Louis feels vaguely like he can maybe make it through the day. He manages his first two courses just fine and then – as he's walking across campus with Liam, they spot Nick with his group of friends next to the entrance of the library, just standing there and talking.

They both stop and stare for a moment since Nick hasn't actually spotted them yet. Louis is desperately trying to find signs that Nick is as sad as he is while Liam is probably trying to imagine Nick and Louis together in the first place.

“I don't get why you haven't told us about him,” Liam says, “like, what were you scared off? That we'd make fun of you after you spent years telling everyone that you don't like Grimmy?”

Louis shrugs and starts walking again.

“A bit? That wasn't it, though. It was more like... You know, we're kind of overly critical of each other's boyfriends or girlfriends, right?”

Liam laughs.

“Yeah, Sophia was a bit terrified after meeting you guys for the first time.”

Louis nods. “I didn't want to like scare him off? I knew you'd question him and – I don't know, I just didn't want to go through it.”

“But it's different, isn't it? We know Grimmy and he knows us. It wouldn't have been the same. Also, I'm pretty sure he could've handled a little questioning,” Liam says.

“Yeah, I know. He would've been fine with it, I think. Probably would've thought it's hilarious.”

He's making a valid effort not to stare in Nick's direction but he's losing the fight. His heart almost stops when Nick looks up and right at him. Louis tries a little smile but Nick just frowns and looks away quickly.

Louis pretends his heart isn't actively hurting as he continues his explanation, “But I just thought people might try to find flaws in it. Like, in the relationship. I could almost hear Harry or maybe Zayn asking if I'm sure we fit, if I'm sure we're good for each other or whatever. And his friends as well, they gossip so badly all the time, he told me. I didn't want people to question us or talk shit or just. I don't know, it's stupid. I was happy, like, really happy and I wanted to protect that from the outside world, I guess?”

There's a moment of silence between them before Liam finally says, “You've always been a bit overprotective.”

-

It takes two more days until Louis sees Nick again. He has sent him several texts, some apologising, some asking if they could talk, but Nick had ignored them all. Louis desperately wants to be angry at him for just disappearing out of his life but he can't. Mostly, he's still rather angry at himself.

He also misses Nick quite terribly.

So when he walks into the campus coffee shop and sees Nick sitting alone at one of the tables with a cup of coffee and his laptop to probably work on some essay or other – he truly can't help himself. Louis stops next to Nick's chair.

“Hi,” he says, uncharacteristically quiet. Nick flinches anyway.

“Hi. Please tell me you're not stalking me?” Nick says, slowly closing his laptop's lid.

Louis scoffs. “No, I'm not stalking you. I just wanted some tea.”

“Okay,” Nick says slowly.

Louis doesn't want to let the opportunity go, although Nick looks like he'd rather Louis disappear right there and then and never bother him again. It's not like Louis can make things worse, can he?

“But, like, can we talk anyway?”

“Don't think there's much to talk about. Plus, one of your friends could see you talking to me,” Nick says a bit snidely.

Louis shoves his hands into his pockets just to stop them from reaching out and just touching. He's not allowed anymore.

“Wouldn't matter much. I told them last weekend what went on.”

It feels almost good, having Nick look directly into his eyes again, even if his gaze is searching and almost mistrusting. “You're lying.”

“I'm not! I wouldn't lie about that. Hasn't Harry mentioned anything to you?”

Louis feels awkward, just standing around next to Nick's chair and looking down at him but he hasn't been invited to sit down and it feels like some invisible boundary he can't overstep.

“No. He hasn't talked to me in a few days, actually,” Nick says.

There's not much Louis can say to that – Harry either decided he's on Louis' side or that he's on no one's side which is why he hasn't mentioned it to Nick at all. Louis just shrugs.

Nick sighs. “Get your tea, then. And then sit down. We'll talk.”

“No need to sound so enthusiastic,” Louis can't help but say.

“Watch it, Mister,” Nick replies but there's a glint in his eye. Maybe Louis is imagining it but it gives him hope either way.

It's a bit awkward, to stand in line, order his tea, pay, and wait for his tea, all the while trying not to stare at Nick too obviously. Louis is incredibly fidgety now and almost drops his tea when he does finally get it.

“So, was it a joke to you?” Nick asks as soon as Louis sits down, almost like he's prepared the question in his head. Maybe he has done exactly that in the time it took Louis to get his tea.

“What? No,” Louis protests immediately. It hasn't been a joke at all.

Nick takes a sip of his coffee and shrugs. “I can't figure it out. I thought it was about you coming out but you said your friends already knew about you being bi. So, then I thought it was about me? That you're ashamed of me, of your bad taste, of changing your mind about me, whatever. But now you've gone and told your friends after all? It doesn't make sense, Louis.”

Louis holds his tea cup in both hands, not caring that it's still too hot for that.

“Because I fucked up really badly and now you've got it all wrong,” Louis says after taking a deep breath. He has to keep reminding himself that he already lost Nick – if he's brutally honest now, at least he can't worsen the situation. Nick deserves to know the truth.

“Well?” Nick says, prompting Louis to keep talking.

“It wasn't about my sexuality, I don't know how you even got that idea. Or about being ashamed of you,” Louis says, “I'm not ashamed of you. I'm...” Louis stops, the words stuck in his throat.

Nick waits patiently as Louis burns his tongue on his first sip of the still hot tea just to calm his nerves a little. He hasn't said this before, not to Nick's face at least.

“Why would I even be ashamed of you? I'm like. I'm in love with you, Nick.”

It's nerve-wracking to see Nick's eyes widen, his mouth open but no words coming out.

“Anyway,” Louis barrels on after a second, “that's not why I wanted to keep quiet about the relationship. It's not.”

“Wait a second, wait. You're in love with me? You haven't said that before. I break up with you and you go and finally admit to your friends we were even a thing and then you tell me you're in love with me? Do you even understand how relationships work? You're supposed to do this stuff before you break up, not afterwards.”

Louis shrugs awkwardly. “Yeah well, I've got nothing to lose now, have I?”

Nick arches his eyebrows a little, then says, “Okay, go on, then.”

“I'm not sure how to explain it because it might just sound stupid,” Louis admits, “but I didn't want people to talk shit? Like, normally I don't care and I really don't but – I don't know, I just couldn't stand the thought of my friends or your friends asking if we were sure about this. If we really thought we'd fit. All that stuff. I didn't want to deal with that.”

“That is in fact a profoundly stupid reason, yes.”

“I don't know. I was happy. It worked. I just wanted to keep that to myself. Didn't want other people sticking their nose in our business. I just wanted to protect this really good thing I had,” Louis says, feeling awkward and laid bare.

Nick isn't saying anything. He's just sitting there and staring at Louis, contemplating. Louis bites his lip, wants to give him the time to think it over but naturally can't keep quiet for too long.

“I thought you were happy, too, though. I'm sorry I didn't notice.”

“I was happy. Most of the time.” Nick groans and drags a hand through his hair. “God, this is really stupid. That's such a stupid reason, Louis. I can't believe you.”

“It's not that stupid,” Louis says, feeling oddly defensive now, taking another sip from his tea before it gets cold.

“It really is, though. What did you think would happen? Someone would say something stupid and one of us would've told them to mind their own damn business in colourful words and that would've been it.”

It does sound rather uncomplicated and easy when Nick says it like that, even when it didn't feel like that at the time.

“You're like the angsty protagonist of a 20th century novel,” Nick says.

“You can stop being mean about it any second now,” Louis replies.

“No, I don't think I can. You don't know what went on in my head! I was tearing myself up about what I was doing wrong for you to still want to hide, Louis.”

Louis wants to flinch and possibly hide his face but he doesn't. This is his fault, it's on him.

“You haven't done anything wrong. Well, apart from the whole breaking up with me thing, that really sucked.” Louis pulls a face but stops himself from asking Nick to take it back.

Surprisingly, Nick laughs. “It did. Does. Guess I should have tried talking to you before jumping to conclusions.”

“Might have been an idea.”

There's a stretch of silence after that. Louis doesn't know what do say now, what to do. He wants to ask Nick for forgiveness, he wants to ask him to take him back but what if he says no?

“I suppose you're not the only stupid one. It's only been a few days and I miss you. That's stupid, isn't it?” Nick says thoughtfully.

“If I asked you out on a date, would you say yes?” Louis blurts. “A proper official one. I'll tell all my friends. I'll post on facebook and twitter and everywhere about it.”

“Will you hire one of those sky-writer things? Will you even tell your family about it?” Nick teases, obviously amused.

“Uh,” Louis says.

“What?” Louis kind of hates how Nick immediately becomes a little distrustful again. As if he thinks Louis would want to hide him from his family, even after all that.

“They kind of know? At least my mum, I literally called her right after we decided to give the whole boyfriends thing a try,” Louis admits. He knew his mum would never question him or his judgement and he was just so happy he had to tell someone. His mum is always a good choice for that.

“Okay. So that's another thing you probably should've told me last Friday or possibly before that. God, Louis,” Nick says, looking torn between amusement and shock.

Louis shrugs. Yeah, he knows that now. “Definitely learnt my lesson about honesty and communication and all that jizz. So, back to my date question?” he asks.

Nick gives him a considering look. “I was never really good at saying no to you, was I?”

-

Niall throws his empty crisps wrapper at Louis' head. “Get off Grimmy's lap, you're disgusting!”

“You're just jealous,” Louis says and drops the wrapper to the floor. “And it's not my fault this flat doesn't have enough seating for all of us. I'm not sitting on the floor in my own damn flat.”

Nick laughs and tightens his hold on Louis' hips at that.

“You know what I've been wondering?” Harry says from where he actually is sitting on the floor. Maybe it's time to invest in some new chairs. “How did you two even get together in the first place? Neither of you ever told me.”

“Well,” Louis starts, “it's a beautiful story filled with love and emotions and roses!”

“We had sex,” Nick says.

There's an uproar of laughter at that. Louis pokes Nick in the cheek and complains, “You're not very romantic!”

“I'm just telling the truth,” Nick says, shoving Louis' finger away and turning back towards their friends.

“Okay, now I want to hear the full story,” Harry demands.

“I don't,” Niall and Liam say simultaneously.

“There's not much to tell, is there? We ran into each other at some party and were both drunk, obviously. Ended up in bed together. The next morning I wake up to Louis trying to hide all my clothes under the sink. Still don't know what that was about.”

“That, my dear idiot boyfriend, was a very clever ploy designed by me. Obviously, if you had no clothes you would have no choice but to stay naked, which obviously would have lead to round two,” Louis explains.

“TMI, dude,” Niall says and even Zayn pulls a face, albeit a fond one at them.

Louis winks at both of them. “Just in the interest of full closure, I'll have you know – the plan totally worked.”

Nick pinches him but Louis just giggles and sticks his tongue out at him. There's more to the story, of course, how they had spent the entire day together, both surprised and astonished at how well they got along. Somehow they had spent the next day together as well and at least half of the day after that. It had taken Nick about two weeks to ask – very awkwardly – if Louis wanted to be exclusive and give the whole proper relationship thing a try.

After about a minute or two, when their friends are distracted by another topic, Nick leans in close and says, “Worked out alright, hasn't it?” and Louis knows he doesn't mean Louis' genius plan to get laid.

“Yeah,” Louis agrees, giving Nick's temple a quick kiss, “including a few bumps in the road, it has.”


End file.
